I’m popping in to let the few of you who know I exist that I am, indeed, still alive. My current distraction from all things blog related is my work. Building a business is so much fun, I don’t even mind that I’m not currently getting paid.
The problem with building a business you’re passionate about and that fills your thoughts and dreams and every day brings new epiphanies and success is that it’s very addictive. Passion followed breeds greater passion. That’s not necessarily the worst thing on the planet, but I worry about it. Of course. Because worry is my greatest talent.
The reason I worry is because I don’t want my new business to be an idol. And I truly believe this is what God wants for me right now. And that serving Him looks like dedicating myself totally to being the best I can be at this work. I want to use my talents to serve Him in this way. But what if I’m actually just playing the pleasure game of “It’s what I want and therefore God’s going to have to bless it.” I don’t want to be selfishly happy.
But here’s the thing: Christians follow the false dichotomy that enjoying yourself means you’re sinning. Of course our first objective is to be holy and Christ-like. But He created us to enjoy Him and His creation. So if I’m not enjoying and utilizing my talents then am I really being a good Christian?
Tonight at church I was once again convicted about my lack of motivation to chase after God. Now, I DO want to know Him better. I want to be in a closer relationship. But right now, that looks like trying to do daily Bible reading and praying throughout the day to stay focused on what He wants and is doing. But I do not pursue Him like I do my work. I don’t mull over different ways to worship Him or verses that speak to a certain thought or feeling. I’m not mentally obsessed with Him like I am my work. Does that mean He’s not my everything? Does it mean that I don’t need Him most? Does it mean that I don’t love Him more than anything else? Does it mean I don’t adore Him?
When I sing songs like “10,000 Reasons” I sing them as prayers. I WANT to believe and act on and feel the things the song says because I do believe He is my everything, even when I resort to junk food for temporary comfort. The only reason I know I’m going to be okay is because He exists. I’ve never been somewhere He DOESN’T exist.
We finished tonight with “He Shall Hold Me Fast.” My relationship with God is determined by my actions and desires. But even when I choose to ignore or run away, God holds me fast. He continues to change my heart. He keeps me to the narrow way no matter how hard I fight Him. He holds me fast. He has redeemed me and will continue to perform that good work.
So I think that means that He is working in my heart. That giving me this desire for this work is how I’m to serve Him. That caring what He thinks and being devastated by my “lack” is a sign that He is working in me. That He wants me to love Him with my life and service and hiding my light under a bushel by sitting in a closet until I only want to read the Bible would be walking backwards.
I don’t want to be heretical and blasphemous and I am in no way saying that reading your Bible for days on end is wrong. OBVIOUSLY. But if all Christians ONLY read their Bible, we wouldn’t have Christians in the world, being Christ’s light.
My work, my family, my friends, my loves…they shouldn’t be my God. But they are gifts from my God. Loving them and appreciating them and reveling in them is GRATITUDE. Not me ignoring the most High. And when He chooses to take away this part of the journey, it will be ok because He will give me new loves.
His hold on me is eternal.