Vulnerable

There are very few things as humiliating as crying in front of someone. Not the, “I’m tired” cry, or even the “I’m a little sad” cry, but the kind where you cannot contain yourself because you are so raw and weary. And you had to tell that person the truth. And telling the truth made your soul rip and tears fall down. Without control. No matter how carefully you control your breathing, your thoughts, keeping your face, everything else that would normally give you control.

I’m not sure how confession makes people feel absolved. Maybe it’s the penance they have to do. And the only way to receive your penance is to confess. To me, confession magnifies and points out a guilt that hurts more than it helps. Not real confession: actual sins must be told to God. I mean the confession of feelings, responses, behaviors that you are ashamed of.

The impotence of sitting there and revealing your soul and not being able to hold it together and admitting you can’t even harm yourself because you know it’s wrong. There is no vindication. There is even failure in your mistakes.

I was told today that those failures were God’s grace. I felt like it was impotence. But it was Him keeping me from something I’ll regret long term.

I don’t disagree. But right now, my emotions and thoughts are so skewed off reality, I can’t accept that.