TODAY WE WILL BE MORE CHEERFUL THAN YESTERDAY.
Aka, I won’t write as much. And go to bed.
The weather right now is the most gorgeous thing. I hate that talking about the weather is boring and prosaic and wreaks of “I don’t have anything to say”, because seeing the way the light is glancing off and filtering through the golds and greens and slightly dusky reds of the trees is something marvelous. And not in the least boring or prosaic. Something I love about this campus is the way the light hits things. It makes even old, golden brick buildings seem mysterious and ethereal, like they’re members of a brighter, fey kingdom.
When really, it’s just the Fine Arts building.
But the light is lovely.
I live for reality disconnects. Not knowing or feeling and just floating in oblivion. The closest I get is sleep. Even there, dreams and nightmares mar the perfect blackness with their roiling emotions and confusion. But every once in a while, there is just darkness. Quiet. Peace. An absence in its entirety.
Sometimes the air around my skin aches and just breathing feels like I’m being beaten. There is a weight on my eyes and head that keep me from being able to see. Just moving one leg enough to take a step is a goliath effort and I have to do it quickly enough for people not to notice. I purposefully smooth my face so others can’t see the emotional migraine I’m suffering from. And yet occasionally someone still asks. They notice. And I pass it off with a laugh, a shrug, “it’s college”, “I’m just tired”, “Probably stress from homework”.
What else can I say?
Reading condemnation about antidepressants, being told that God is all you need, struggling to balance what you believe with what you feel…Mainly, I know what I believe. God is always good. He is always to be praised. He is working out my sanctification, pulling, testing, growing me. And I have such a hard time reconciling that with the fact that I feel like I’m being crushed even if I’m praying and praising and rehearsing theology and still feeling like I can’t and will never succeed.
I want to stop hurting. Why does He want me to wait? Because He wants to conform me to His image. Why can’t His image hurt less? Why is it wrong to just want the pain to stop. The dull throb that sits behind my lids and in my chest and pulls at my leg muscles…
He didn’t promise it would be easy. He gave us tools to survive. I just want to sleep. And I keep feeling like I’m not allowed to sleep enough. And that only sleeping for three days straight would begin to help.
I just have to hold that He is indeed enough.
That He will keep His promises.
That I am doing the best I can.
And that’s all I can do.
“Why would you ask that?!”
“You look wasted.”
And a more adequate summation of my life at 11 o’ clock in the morning has never been given.
Mondays tend to be rather long, tedious ordeals that make me realize how much I love not being awake. Today was no different. Battling through the Sloughs of Despond, I tried to remind myself that my family is not the reason that I exist. They are not the ones I hang my hope on. And neither is sleep for that matter. And I told God very bluntly several times (okay, constantly) that He told me He was sufficient. He told me not to have idols. He told me to rely solely upon Him. And He was going to have to help me do that, because so help me, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.
And yet, look. I’ve made it to the end of another long, tedious Monday. My family is not here. And sleep most certainly wasn’t. God showed Himself to be faithful. Not just because I survived, but because there were some very good parts about this Monday. Friends and time off campus and early purchase of Christmas presents being some of them.
And I bought bluing shampoo.
That’s always got to be a plus, right?
I nearly proposed to someone today. Primarily because I ordered a small from The Nomadic Ones, and they proceeded to craft a snowball of finely shaved ice roughly the size of my head. And it only cost $3.
Cloud nine, people.
I also ate bacon today, so I’d say that today was a rousing success.
Unicorn has expressed the opinion that I am much like a male in my mood swings. I get irritable and cannot be dealt with when hungry and then perk right back up when properly fed. Maybe I should just eat more often and stop investing in these depression meds.
Or maybe that’s still just a tad drastic.
My conscience bothers me.
I have not written in what seems like eternity. And so many wonderful things have happened. So many fascinatingly awful dreams have trampled my nights. And I’ve been playing features in several friends’ dreams recently. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m trying not to be paranoid about it.
On the top of my list of things to write about is the fact that my parents are here. They arrived at 3 am last Saturday and will be leaving early afternoon on Sunday. This is the first weekend I’ve dreaded in a long while.
But my birthday was wonderful. Even though I took the worst test of my life. But Unicorn brought me a coffee from Starbucks during her free hour. I had random people that I have never met text me happy birthday, courtesy of O and Twigg. I got out of school early and spent the entire afternoon writing a study of Hebrews. And did I mention my family is here?
Daddy’s birthday present to me is a massive tool kit. I’m pleased beyond measure. I can now create and destroy at will. And I feel like an adult.
I need to start writing again. In all my spare time. But it needs to come out. I miss my books. I miss my blog.
Shoot. I miss sleep.
I may not have enough time or brain to ever write a blog post again.
until then, check out this one:
It’s pretty great.
People are shuffling around, depressed at the dismal drizzle falling from the sky. I, on the other hand, am wrapped in a warm cocoon of happiness at the grey day softly misting the out of doors. I love rainy Mondays.
On another note, I didn’t fail my biology test and even got a decent grade. One of those things is enough of a blessing, but two is more grace than I could ever deserve. And I am not saying that smarmily. For real, people. I had no idea what was happening with that test. In the same mein, my chemistry test also went well, and I was able to estimate on the math problems I didn’t know how to solve. I also remembered that “W” on the periodic table is tungsten. That made me feel quite academic and chemically accomplished.
And prayer group was wonderful tonight. Tomorrow is Day of Prayer, and I wanted us to prepare for it. A teacher suggested it. So we wouldn’t get to service and fall asleep or let our minds wander. That we could concentrate and actually pray.
So for the whole fifteen minutes of prayer group we prayed silently. We had some Scripture in front of us, and we had a few objectives, but it was totally private, very concentrated prayer for 15 minutes. And it was awesome.
God bless rainy Mondays.
Have you ever tried running down a hill? At the top, you’re almost leisurely, until the ground drops away more steeply, causing you to stretch your legs and pick up the pace to keep from splintering your shins. Then gravity starts to take hold and you have to run even faster because otherwise you’re going to faceplant into a whole bunch of pain and humiliation. And then finally there is some sort of grisly end: be it finally tripping, or running into something, or having your legs fly off your body from the sheer speed of it all.
That is what today felt like.
It started off with a relatively leisurely, albeit mildly stressful lab. When someone tells me, “This dye will never come out of anything ever period regardless at all no matter what, so be careful”, I tend to panic a little bit. And have waking nightmares of swaths of dye jetting all over the room, ruining everything in creation.
Then chapel. Then a hurriedly eaten lunch in my room, because sleep was a vital necessity.
Then help class.
Then Greek tutoring.
Then chemistry homework.
Then officer meeting.
Then more chem homework.
Five minute shower.
I’m now too tired to crawl into my bunk. And possibly too wired and wild-eyed.
But at least I didn’t have to use my 2 o’ clock. God is merciful.
I feel like all I’ve done today is go up and down Alumni’s stairs.
And I am TIRED OF IT.
I had planned out a really entertaining way to regale you all with the many times and reasons that stairs had happened, but that was several hours and assignments ago, so I’m sorry. If you wanted excellent entertainment and writing, you should head to the BBC. Not here.
On a completely different note, I am most grateful for A/C. Because I’d probably propose to our window unit if matrimony with inanimate objects was possible.
Continuing to switch focuses, I am still chewing over Emma Watson’s speech to the UN. It appears I am an unlabeled feminist. I will have to look over the implications of her positions, but her beginning points, I appreciated. Since I truly have not thought this out, I’m not looking for a debate, as of yet. I DO struggle with the term “feminist”, because I’ve met several man-haters who also hate on the mother and wife. And I’m not interested in supporting a female who thinks she’s a better male. That’s just stupid on a lot of levels. But. I do appreciate that society (and not the Bible) has done some pretty crummy things to both genders in an attempt to make them “more like themselves”. I do think men should be able to cry. And that women can make great CEOs. And that a woman can be submissive in a marriage without erasing her identity and that a man can lead without being an ignorant tyrant. The biggest issue I had with her speech was “gender is a spectrum”, but that could just be an issue of semantics, not ideology. I do believe that men and women ARE different and that’s GOOD, but that there are more similarities than differences. And that one shouldn’t float around in the middle unsure of what gender they are. But I believe that’s also another debate. I’ll be watching this He for She movement. It seems to be a promising and fascinating campaign.