Do you ever go to church, holding back? You know how you should be thinking, praying, feeling, trusting, but instead, there’s a wall. A wall you’ve built between you and God. For some reason, you think this wall will protect you from being hurt. That you won’t have to feel the pain or pressure of His will. That you can stay tight in the blanket of your own security and way.
Caiaphus thought so too. He thought he could outsmart this man from Galilee. Instead, he ended up prophesying about Christ’s death, and although he thought Christ dying was his idea, it was God’s. An idea that would save more than just a nation: the world.
I’m really not interested in making a biblical devotion out of this. The point is that I constantly try to take control from God. And today the message told me that was stupid: mainly because it was an entirely futile attempt. And the other thing I saw today harmonized with “I believe. Lord, help my unbelief!”
We sang song after song emphasizing God’s character and our response to Him. And I tried to pray those songs. I prayed them so hard, it hurt. And there were a few times today that I couldn’t actually sing because it was too hard.
So I prayed.
I’m angry and hurt and lost right now. This is not a spiritual high spot for me. The laughter and hysteria down the halls mocks me because inside I feel like I’m dying. But I must needs keep it together. Be a leader. Love others. Stay involved. I don’t know what to do.
Jesus, draw me ever nearer. Help me trust You even through the change.
All I have is Christ. He is my life.