Beach

We managed not to broil anyone today at the beach.
DFL made some ridiculous sandwiches. When the boy says, “I’ll make food for the beach”, he means, “I’ll make steak, provolone and arugula sandwiches on ciabatta and make up my own southwestern pasta salad recipe and also make some lemon pound cake”. Because that’s what normal people do.

We went to the Atlantic. I’m used to the Gulf, which is calm, warm and sometimes almost stagnant feeling. The sand is softer and the beach we frequent (De Soto) is not only a national park, it also has whirlpools and a sandbar which sounds…vague, but in practice, it’s fantastic. The sandbar forms this large pool between the ocean and the main beach and it is home to all sorts of sea life. But then the sandbar is powdery soft and excellent for sandcastles. Until the tide comes in and the bar disappears, taking all your work with it.

The Atlantic is popular for the waves. It’s cooler (water temperature wise) and the sand is actually less finely ground, which is weird, since you’d think it’d be better powderized from the continual pounding. The weather was lovely today. Hot, but not Hades, and the water was cool but not reminiscent of the Arctic.
And like I said, NOBODY burned. That’s akin to a miracle.

We have also introduced Sherlock to Citizen Kane, the Jamaican, Steve, Jess and Jess’ beau whom I have not yet codenamed.

Happy Father’s Day

It’s Father’s Day, and if you’ve ever read any of my stuff, you already know how blessed I am to have the father I do. I’m not going to rehash everything I love about him or how awesome he is, because really. It’s not fair to the rest of you guys. But here’s another example of how giving he is:
All the fathers in our church got a small screwdriver kit in service today. The first thing out of Dad’s mouth was, “You could use this at school!” I’m like…IT’S YOUR PRESENT.

I got to work the concession stand with some lady friends of mine tonight during the Awana Gran Prix.

And Citizen Kane ate at Five Guys for the first time today.

Canasta Greats

I finished my Bible Doctrines lectures today and signed up for the second online summer session.

I am binding a book. It is finally coming along and I love how it’s coming together.

Citizen Kane learned how to play Canasta today. He pretended like he didn’t understand…and then he beat Dad and I senseless at the last minute. I am beginning to be suspicious by what he “doesn’t know/doesn’t get”.

The Greats came this evening. I hadn’t seen the little Greats in way too long. And cliche as it is: They are too big. I can’t stand it.
I got to go off with Mrs. Great and we had a lovely chat. I really enjoy spending time with her.

And I am up way too late for a Saturday, but the Bruins are dragging it out and there are brownies.
Because that makes sense.

Shifty Spades

Ladies and Gentlemen,
You may all relax now. The perturbation you must have been feeling can now be at an end, since we have (prepare yourselves) found, yes found, the nine of spades.
After frantically searching for roughly a minute, we discovered the missing card. It had been lurking beneath a member of its familial suit. Much rejoicing occurred and the tallying of points was completed.

We also rode some roller coasters in the blazing heat today. While sipping butter beer, attempting to cool off and generally running around, we managed not to accrue any sunburn, which is a wildly remarkable blessing.

It was a good day.
And I am tired.

Finished the Books

I spent the day reading for school. No, you haven’t read this post before, that is merely the nature of my life, currently. It’s like Groundhog Day: College Edition. Here’s the good news: I have finished my reading for this online session. And the angels rejoiced.

Citizen Kane got to watch me read all day…which I’m sure was thrilling. Thankfully, he was also entertained by chess and The Magician’s Nephew.
He learned how to make spaghetti sauce from scratch.
He has also survived choir practice and quartet practice at my church. I’m impressed.

And now the bag is packed for tomorrow. IOA/USF, here we come.

Airports

After much trial and error, misdirects and confused terminals…we have successfully retrieved Citizen Kane.
O, along with 16 others, is now in Costa Rica.

Apparently this is the week for travel.
Unless, of course, you’re me, and therefore: homebody.

Sonnets

Tonight, I offer my three favorite sonnets by Shakespeare. I’m sure I will find other favorites the more I read, but these are the ones that have struck me the most.

Sonnet 71:
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse.
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone

Sonnet 73:
That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruin’d choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou seest the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death’s second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see’st the glowing of such fire
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire
Consumed with that which it was nourish’d by.
This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Sonnet 116:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Two Groups

I attended two college groups this evening:one at my church and one at Jess’s.
It was lovely.
I got to visit, see and really fellowship with some of my very good friends that I haven’t been able to see in a long time.
Thought-provoking lessons. I’ll have to really digest what I’ve learned tonight before I share.

Have a great week, people.

Andrea, Do Be a Dear and Calm Down.

It’s been raining pretty heavily and consistently here for the past couple of days…and I finally found out it is all courtesy of tropical storm Andrea. This is our rainy season, so I really thought nothing of it, except to momentarily note how odd it was that, instead of just brief blips in the afternoon, it’d been raining all day, everyday rather vehemently.
But now my life makes much more sense.

Today, my mom is running around the house, wrapping up minor details and generally doing the preparation dance of insanity. She was coordinating her Sunday School’s dinner, which was to be at the church. As we finish getting ready to depart, I step out in the garage to find a pair of flipflops (yes, some of our shoes reside in the garage. Don’t question it, it makes sense.) and instead I find that our garage is fulfilling its lifelong dream of becoming a lake. Or a kiddie pool. It’s never been overly clear about the exact direction of its aspirations.
Forgetting my fashion problem, I dart back inside to alert Mom to our impending doom. After about ten or fifteen minutes picking things off the floor, perching them atop water resistant receptacles or throwing them to “higher ground”, we climbed out of the enormous puddle and proceeded to wait out the gullywasher. Because not only was it pouring, the thunder and lightning were horrific. May I impress upon you, dear reader, that my mom and I were jumping around in a huge pool of water while lightning struck literally (not figuratively) right outside our door? Wise choices are not always made in this household in emergencies.

Thankfully, the tides eventually started to recede, we were able to pack the van and depart. Unfortunately, our vehicle is neither the Magic School Bus or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang…so…we must wait until the skies seal up and the roads stop being rivers and start being roads again.

Much to our great joy, the dinner was a success, fellowship was had, a great testimony heard, and three chapters of Bible Doctrines read.
Take that, Andrea.

A Rant? A Plea?

Disclaimer: I am not seeking confirmation, fishing for compliments, or hoping that someone will refute everything I say. In fact, if you have ideas to the contrary, I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t let me know for a bit. I am merely trying to work out a few things, outside my head. Thank you. Also: I am fine, really. Again, I do not need “bucking up” and this is not a cry for help.
It might be a rant. Not sure.

I’ve struggled with the whole idea of marriage for a while. This is probably not news to any of you. I do not have any issues with the institution of marriage; in fact, I think it’s wonderful. A godly marriage where both people seek the betterment of the other and bring each other closer to God, dedicating themselves to love that other person regardless of how they feel for the rest of that person’s life…that is amazing. And good.
No. I struggle with the idea of me getting married.

Reason 1: I don’t want to get married. Ok, so I’ve only recently gone to college and so it’s a bit early in my life to know but this was the first excuse. I told everyone that I didn’t want a man, didn’t need one (not because they are useless, but because I just was fine without one), and that I could be just fine on my own. I said this because I did not want to have to deal with rejection, trying to find the right guy or even mess with the possibility of emotions. Imagine Spock as a young teenage girl. That was me. Or at least I tried.

Here’s the problem: I did want to get married. Very badly. But I was too young, and I knew it wasn’t even the time for me to be dating (for those of you who aren’t overly conservative, bear with me. I believe that the purpose of dating is to find your mate and that’s all. So…yeah). I also knew that I was too flawed, that I didn’t trust God enough and that if I ever got married, God would take him away from me for some reason. I had a skewy view of God. I was afraid that a severe loss would be “what I would need to grow”. And if you love someone enough to marry them, then living without them would be unbearable.

Reason 2. I can’t get married. I am too weak spiritually. Obviously people are an idol in my life and I need to solely rely on God. God is enough, right? If I believe that, then I don’t need a husband. And I shouldn’t even be looking, because I need to get my priorities in whack.
If you haven’t picked up on it yet, this is good reasoning that was still glossing over my issues. I was using God as my excuse. Here’s the cool part: I wasn’t done.

Reason 3. God doesn’t want me to get married. Not in a vindictive way, but He has other plans for me, and that is why He’s put me through this whole crazy debacle. He wants me to learn a)don’t idolize people, b) He is enough, and c) I don’t actually need another person because He designed me to live alone. As soon as I can figure that out, I will be okay. This is the newest incarnation of the lie I tell myself. And I am still blaming God, or crediting my reasons to Him, when really, it’s my lack of trust.

Because here’s what trusting God would look like: God, I want to do your will regardless. And I know whatever you choose for me is my best, be it single, married or widowed. I know that whatever you give me is because you love me. And I will do what you have planned.
That is what trust would look like.

Instead, I get bogged down in my lack and reflect my inhibitions and failings on Him. I think He’ll stop lookng out for me, choose something bad, or leave me high and dry. I am emotionally unstable and terribly needy. I doubt myself all the time and am plagued by depression and loneliness and guilt. I can be unreliable, temperamental, easily frustrated and discouraged. And I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that. I am trying to grow in Christ, I want to be the kind of spouse that someone needs. I want to be a reflection of Christ in everything I do. That is what I should be focusing on now. And that is really what I’m trying to do. But that’s just it: until I have those things mastered, what business have I looking for a husband? If I can’t help my own spiritual life, why should I try to so deeply influence someone else’s?

So what brings this up? A few things glommed together to make a mildly rambling post that is the extremely boiled down version of my psychotic ideas that have been floating through my head for roughly a decade. For one thing, that book I was reading, Trusting God, brought up something I really struggle with: asking God for something you want. Bridges said that God wants us to bring our desires to Him. That…especially if we’re more interested in His will than our want, that God wants to hear it. That we can express these things to Him because He loves to give us good things. He won’t always give us our desires. But He often gives us the desires we have for a reason.
I balked. I don’t want to ask Him for what I want, because what if He says no? I can handle not getting what I want if I don’t get it because I’m too stubborn to ask, but what if…I ask…and He says, No. Again, I am failing to trust that “no” is sometimes best. The idea hurts so much that I wonder if I am still idolizing the wrong things.

I don’t know how wise it is to post this. I don’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I doubt I’ll ruin my reputation as a sane person (because we all know THAT’S a tentative status at best), but I do want some of you to realize that this is not an issue I handle lightly or flippantly, regardless of how I normally talk. Some things are too precious and painful to just throw around all the time.
But if you think of it, maybe pray for me to continue to grow, to continue with my current purpose and duties…and mostly…that I will truly be ok and open and waiting for God’s will in my life.
Thank you.
Goodnight.