Disclaimer: I am not seeking confirmation, fishing for compliments, or hoping that someone will refute everything I say. In fact, if you have ideas to the contrary, I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t let me know for a bit. I am merely trying to work out a few things, outside my head. Thank you. Also: I am fine, really. Again, I do not need “bucking up” and this is not a cry for help.
It might be a rant. Not sure.
I’ve struggled with the whole idea of marriage for a while. This is probably not news to any of you. I do not have any issues with the institution of marriage; in fact, I think it’s wonderful. A godly marriage where both people seek the betterment of the other and bring each other closer to God, dedicating themselves to love that other person regardless of how they feel for the rest of that person’s life…that is amazing. And good.
No. I struggle with the idea of me getting married.
Reason 1: I don’t want to get married. Ok, so I’ve only recently gone to college and so it’s a bit early in my life to know but this was the first excuse. I told everyone that I didn’t want a man, didn’t need one (not because they are useless, but because I just was fine without one), and that I could be just fine on my own. I said this because I did not want to have to deal with rejection, trying to find the right guy or even mess with the possibility of emotions. Imagine Spock as a young teenage girl. That was me. Or at least I tried.
Here’s the problem: I did want to get married. Very badly. But I was too young, and I knew it wasn’t even the time for me to be dating (for those of you who aren’t overly conservative, bear with me. I believe that the purpose of dating is to find your mate and that’s all. So…yeah). I also knew that I was too flawed, that I didn’t trust God enough and that if I ever got married, God would take him away from me for some reason. I had a skewy view of God. I was afraid that a severe loss would be “what I would need to grow”. And if you love someone enough to marry them, then living without them would be unbearable.
Reason 2. I can’t get married. I am too weak spiritually. Obviously people are an idol in my life and I need to solely rely on God. God is enough, right? If I believe that, then I don’t need a husband. And I shouldn’t even be looking, because I need to get my priorities in whack.
If you haven’t picked up on it yet, this is good reasoning that was still glossing over my issues. I was using God as my excuse. Here’s the cool part: I wasn’t done.
Reason 3. God doesn’t want me to get married. Not in a vindictive way, but He has other plans for me, and that is why He’s put me through this whole crazy debacle. He wants me to learn a)don’t idolize people, b) He is enough, and c) I don’t actually need another person because He designed me to live alone. As soon as I can figure that out, I will be okay. This is the newest incarnation of the lie I tell myself. And I am still blaming God, or crediting my reasons to Him, when really, it’s my lack of trust.
Because here’s what trusting God would look like: God, I want to do your will regardless. And I know whatever you choose for me is my best, be it single, married or widowed. I know that whatever you give me is because you love me. And I will do what you have planned.
That is what trust would look like.
Instead, I get bogged down in my lack and reflect my inhibitions and failings on Him. I think He’ll stop lookng out for me, choose something bad, or leave me high and dry. I am emotionally unstable and terribly needy. I doubt myself all the time and am plagued by depression and loneliness and guilt. I can be unreliable, temperamental, easily frustrated and discouraged. And I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that. I am trying to grow in Christ, I want to be the kind of spouse that someone needs. I want to be a reflection of Christ in everything I do. That is what I should be focusing on now. And that is really what I’m trying to do. But that’s just it: until I have those things mastered, what business have I looking for a husband? If I can’t help my own spiritual life, why should I try to so deeply influence someone else’s?
So what brings this up? A few things glommed together to make a mildly rambling post that is the extremely boiled down version of my psychotic ideas that have been floating through my head for roughly a decade. For one thing, that book I was reading, Trusting God, brought up something I really struggle with: asking God for something you want. Bridges said that God wants us to bring our desires to Him. That…especially if we’re more interested in His will than our want, that God wants to hear it. That we can express these things to Him because He loves to give us good things. He won’t always give us our desires. But He often gives us the desires we have for a reason.
I balked. I don’t want to ask Him for what I want, because what if He says no? I can handle not getting what I want if I don’t get it because I’m too stubborn to ask, but what if…I ask…and He says, No. Again, I am failing to trust that “no” is sometimes best. The idea hurts so much that I wonder if I am still idolizing the wrong things.
I don’t know how wise it is to post this. I don’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I doubt I’ll ruin my reputation as a sane person (because we all know THAT’S a tentative status at best), but I do want some of you to realize that this is not an issue I handle lightly or flippantly, regardless of how I normally talk. Some things are too precious and painful to just throw around all the time.
But if you think of it, maybe pray for me to continue to grow, to continue with my current purpose and duties…and mostly…that I will truly be ok and open and waiting for God’s will in my life.